Space.

Relationship. It's probably one of the most important intangible thing in my life right now. It probably defines me most than other things in my life like music or favourite food. It forms me, mould me, change me... into a person I like or despise. 

The thing is with me and relationships is that many may not agree with me on this but I need space. It don't matter who you are ; you could be my closest friend or one of my family member or perhaps even God. It don't matter.. I still need space. I need time away from you. I need that 'absence makes the heart grows fonder' thing. But, you may not understand why. I mean, all you see is that if we enjoy each others company then why be apart? I mean, shouldn't we be in contact as much as possible? 

If you were to meet me for the first time, I wouldn't be surprise if you were to think I come off as snobbish or arrogant or even, unfriendly. Sometimes I wonder if  that precious 3 seconds of first impression is designed to go against me. I suck at first impression. But, be open-minded and give me time to prove you wrong. 

I'm trying to be as neutral. I'm trying to shake off that 'If I like you, I like you and if I don't, then I don't' thing. I mean, people deserves more than my judgement. They deserve more than my cold, heartless one-dimensional labels. They deserve that. 

*******

Space. It's not you, it's me. I don't hate you. But if you start to be clingy, I can promise you I won't be nice. I guess that's why most of my relationships don't work out. They get fed up with me constantly pushing them away. It's not that I don't want them to be around ; it's just that I need my own time for myself. That is why I don't like controlling people, telling me what to do. People with ego who demands me to report to them all the time about how I'm doing, what's the latest that happened to me. I mean, I'll share when I want to, with who I want to.

They don't understand. I suppose that's how the world works. I mean, the world LOVES its share of confident, loud & outspoken individuals. They always favour the extroverts, the social butterflies, the talkers. They always do. But, what happens to us introverts? I mean, is it wrong to be quiet, to enjoy nothing but comfortable silence, to be away from that hype? Is it wrong to not want to social all the time, to talk all the time? No, you instead put us into a box and call us misfits, calling us anti-socials and emo people, calling us out we who are withdrawn. I mean, in the end of the day, you're probably just them people who aren't understanding enough, not having enough patience to deal with us. 

I think nothing better describes me other than this short passage my 2nd brother posted once on his Facebook. I don't know if he got this from somewhere but something tells me that it's his own wise words:

I remember my mom had a friend visiting, this friend had a son about my age and thought I'd be thrilled to play with him. I remember hiding in the room as she and the friend tried to coax me out. My whole life, family has tried to coax me out. They don't understand I'm not in a shell, just an introvert. We tend to be very selective about who we hang out with, not just hang for the sake of hanging. I hope that makes sense.

 I mean of course, I'm not like super self-centered and selfish that EVERYONE has to go out of the way to talk to me, to get to know me better. I do make the effort, I do put my foot forward, making initiative to be friendly and to start conversations etc. Like the passage said, we just tend to be very selective about who we hang out with, not just hang for the sake of hanging. And sometimes, I need to withdraw myself from all of that. 

It's just that I need space and people who values that.