Kolumpo.

There are days where all I can think off is to get out of here... I mean, I would think, I'd much rather stay in this country or that city... at least it won't be that bad compared to where I am now.

But today, I have never felt more at home. Like, I am where I'm supposed to be ; no conflicts and frustrations within me that is bursting out at every seams. I'm felt like this is where I belong and there is no where else where I'd rather be.

Today, I am grateful for Kuala Lumpur, my hometown.

Wordpress

In case why you're wondering what happened to all of my previous posts, it's because I've been experimenting with Wordpress hence, the missing posts here. Fret not, I'm still in the process of shifting some (if not all) of the posts back here.

Until then, just stick around for more updates!


EDITED :
Yay, I finally manage to import all of my previous posts back. :) Super happy now hahaha. 

Fly.

There are days where I feel like I'm reaching for the skies and people are telling me to back up. Instead of being negative about it, I'm reminded to not settle for anything less because God wants nothing but the best for me.

Saint Francis of Assisi.

Credits goes to Andy Mineo & Saint Francis of Assisi

"You don't know who you are."

Right now, I'm embarking on another side project. I wish I could share with you what it is. When it all works out, I will let you know. But for now, I shall keep silent.

****

Time sure flies fast. The day I've been dreading is just around the corner. March 2013. Results Day... I'm excited in a way ; to find out how I fare in the the so-called university entrance exam but at the same time, I'm worried that I might walk away dissapointed. Whatever it is, I shall face it with a brave front. I mean, I know that I did my very best and in the end of the day, that's all that matters.

reflections.

It's already February. 

It didn't really register to me until today. 
I guess, work really got to me. I mean, it took up most of my time these days... most of me at least.
Not that I'm not grateful or anything ; honestly, I'm more than happy that I have something to look forward to every morning. I wouldn't really say it's my passion or anything. It's just that it fulfilled its purpose : to fill up my free time. In fact, I manage to pick up some good habit during my work experience. 

I learn to be patient. 
Especially when the computer and the internet decides to lag on me. Or when I had to wait for the second train to come when I couldn't enter the first one. Not forgetting also, when people cut my line countless time. I learn to put up with them also. 

I  learn to eat healthier. 
Got into eating vegetarian at least once a week with my lovely colleagues at work. To put more thoughts into what I'm eating everyday to care for my body ; temple of the Holy Spirit.

I got back into reading again.
Travelling to work and back can be a bore at times. Too much people staring is not good for ..others as well as me of course. So, venturing into another adventure while I'm off to work and going home is good as it allows my imagination to run wild. Right now, I'm enjoying the work of Gail Tsukiyama's The Samurai's Garden.  It's nice to "travel" to Tarumi, Japan and reading Stephen-san's daily adventure and to fathom his thoughts about being a Chinese in Japan during the World War II.

I learn to be Quiet.
It's doing me so much good. I'm processing my thoughts more. I've never been so comfortable with silence before. It's nice to be me again. To be shut off from the loud, rowdy world once in a while to enjoy some solitude. To listen to His voice from time to time. To pray more in my heart whenever I remember, whenever I can.

*****
On the side note, I'm feeling so drained. And it's only been one month. Already, I can feel that I'm slowly reverting back to my old, painful self. I don't want to be termed as anti-social so I try to be outgoing and happy and talktative and well, you get the idea. But I shouldn't be doing that. I know, because I've just finish Quiet by Susan Cain. If you can get a hold on that book, please do. Introverts and extroverts alike, you will be blessed by her work. 

Perhaps, it's all that caused me to be so tired that it's visible on my expression today. Honestly, I wasn't sleepy at all. In fact, I've got enough rest. It's just that  I enjoy being with myself. I'm not in love with the idea of being lonely, but I enjoy solitude so much. Sometimes, I wish they would understand that

I need some time away. Even for awhile. 

I wish I have a mentor or a close friend I can talk to about these wild tides of  feelings. I feel like they sometimes take over me and it can be so overwhelming.


More than anything,  I need You.

 

Space.

Relationship. It's probably one of the most important intangible thing in my life right now. It probably defines me most than other things in my life like music or favourite food. It forms me, mould me, change me... into a person I like or despise. 

The thing is with me and relationships is that many may not agree with me on this but I need space. It don't matter who you are ; you could be my closest friend or one of my family member or perhaps even God. It don't matter.. I still need space. I need time away from you. I need that 'absence makes the heart grows fonder' thing. But, you may not understand why. I mean, all you see is that if we enjoy each others company then why be apart? I mean, shouldn't we be in contact as much as possible? 

If you were to meet me for the first time, I wouldn't be surprise if you were to think I come off as snobbish or arrogant or even, unfriendly. Sometimes I wonder if  that precious 3 seconds of first impression is designed to go against me. I suck at first impression. But, be open-minded and give me time to prove you wrong. 

I'm trying to be as neutral. I'm trying to shake off that 'If I like you, I like you and if I don't, then I don't' thing. I mean, people deserves more than my judgement. They deserve more than my cold, heartless one-dimensional labels. They deserve that. 

*******

Space. It's not you, it's me. I don't hate you. But if you start to be clingy, I can promise you I won't be nice. I guess that's why most of my relationships don't work out. They get fed up with me constantly pushing them away. It's not that I don't want them to be around ; it's just that I need my own time for myself. That is why I don't like controlling people, telling me what to do. People with ego who demands me to report to them all the time about how I'm doing, what's the latest that happened to me. I mean, I'll share when I want to, with who I want to.

They don't understand. I suppose that's how the world works. I mean, the world LOVES its share of confident, loud & outspoken individuals. They always favour the extroverts, the social butterflies, the talkers. They always do. But, what happens to us introverts? I mean, is it wrong to be quiet, to enjoy nothing but comfortable silence, to be away from that hype? Is it wrong to not want to social all the time, to talk all the time? No, you instead put us into a box and call us misfits, calling us anti-socials and emo people, calling us out we who are withdrawn. I mean, in the end of the day, you're probably just them people who aren't understanding enough, not having enough patience to deal with us. 

I think nothing better describes me other than this short passage my 2nd brother posted once on his Facebook. I don't know if he got this from somewhere but something tells me that it's his own wise words:

I remember my mom had a friend visiting, this friend had a son about my age and thought I'd be thrilled to play with him. I remember hiding in the room as she and the friend tried to coax me out. My whole life, family has tried to coax me out. They don't understand I'm not in a shell, just an introvert. We tend to be very selective about who we hang out with, not just hang for the sake of hanging. I hope that makes sense.

 I mean of course, I'm not like super self-centered and selfish that EVERYONE has to go out of the way to talk to me, to get to know me better. I do make the effort, I do put my foot forward, making initiative to be friendly and to start conversations etc. Like the passage said, we just tend to be very selective about who we hang out with, not just hang for the sake of hanging. And sometimes, I need to withdraw myself from all of that. 

It's just that I need space and people who values that.